Came upon this today.
“Emotion is hard
Have you ever noticed that in a relationship, when a couple is fighting, the one who is less overtly emotional seems to have the upper hand? The emotional one is flailing about trying to get the one who’s not exhibiting emotion to feel something, anything at all. Meanwhile the one who is trying “too much” gets labeled crazy or over-emotional or sensitive.
The case may be the latter. But I’m willing to bet it’d be less so if the individuals in the system shared the emotion that is there to be felt, together. Isn’t it easier together? Easier for both? For all? Emotion, reaction, grief, they are entities. Trauma happens. Elephant enters room. What is the reaction? Any?” Read the rest here. (Thank you, Pema Teeter.)
And I realized something about myself when I read it. I’ve been waiting. All this time, waiting for someone else to take my hand, to say, “It’s okay. I feel it too. I am sad too. I miss us more than you can even imagine. As much as you think of me, I think of you more. As often as you wonder, what was that? As often as you are in awe of the magic that has transformed you, the touch that lifted you from the depths, and withdrawn, has left you looking for meaning to every single moment under rocks… I am in transfixed in greater awe, I am touched more deeply, I am searching for meaning in everything I see and feel too, because of you. Because you changed me, I have changed myself. Because your touch just held me, I now hold everything I touch with a new awareness.”
And I don’t want to wait anymore. Not for the story, not for the “talk” that will “let me understand.” I simply want to experience the feeling, together. All of it. The beginning, the middle, the end, the beginning again. I want to know you feel it too, that I am not crazy, that I did not make this all up in my head. I want to know our experience was as real as it felt. I want to know you – all of you – in that way in which two people share the truth of Who They Are, and in so sharing it, make it easier to bear. There is no tomorrow to my todays, and slowly, yesterday also slips into today. There is only this feeling, this feeling that threatens to overwhelm me at times, that I hold onto too tightly, that I cannot let go of alone. I need to know we found something here, something extraordinary, and that it is worth shouting from the rooftops, turning your life upside down and inside out for, that it is the grace that comes in between the moments we try to explain and try to justify. That it just Is. There is nothing to do, nothing to be done about it. It simply exists. It is here. As We are here. I want acknowledgement.
And so, because I cannot wait any longer and because I can only control who I am, what I do, not you, or you, or you…I acknowledge it here. I will acknowledge it with every step that I take, every song I sing, every word I write. I will shout it from the rooftops, and turn my life upside down and inside out to touch, to hold onto that grace, that grace I came to know in this moment of everything that ever Is between Us.
Thank you for giving me all that I ever needed.